The belief that there won’t be enough strikes my heart at all sorts of moments.
When I’m grocery shopping and I want to stock up on EVERYTHING, not just the item on sale.
When I’m writing and I want to hold back and “save” my good ideas, in case there aren’t any more.
When I’m folding my daughter’s clothes, wondering if I should save every single outfit, just in case I have a future daughter who goes through MULTIPLE outfits a day and our washer is broken for weeks.
For Lent, the Lord asked me to fast stinginess and replace it with generosity. And even months later, I’m still realizing what generous living really looks like. I’m still finding these threads of stingness in my soul.
As I’m baking muffins or writing a blog post, I’m seeing this fear keep popping up in my heart.
This fear says that I’ll use up all my creativity now and there won’t be anything left for later.
This fear says that the Lord will stop providing and I have to do it all on my own.
This fear is loud for me.
What if I use up all my ideas on the blog and there’s nothing left for more blog posts or even a book?
What if I use up all my fun ideas and have nothing left to be the fun mom by the time my daughter is old enough to remember?
What if I try that idea and then there are no more ideas?
What if I give everything away and have nothing left?
These are lies, but they rarely feel like it in the moment. They are loud and well practiced at bullying my heart into believing what isn’t true.
But the truth is that creativity BEGETS more creativity.
The more creative you are, the more creative you will be. The Lord gives more flour and oil as we use our flour and oil. He gives more manna each morning, as we have finished yesterday’s manna.
And my heart is fighting to believe that.
We moved just over a year ago all the way across the country. When I first landed, I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to take photos everywhere. The light would catch on the frost, and I’d want to capture it. The daffodils would be waving in the breeze, and I’d want to capture it. The green buds on the trees would make my heart happy, and I’d want to capture it.
Feeding my creativity didn’t mean I stopped being creative or reached my cap for photos. Just the opposite. My soul felt happy and alive as I fed it with creative things, and it wanted more. My soul knew how to start looking for creative things, hopeful that I’d continue to say yes. The photos led to more photos. My creative heart felt the courage to try some new recipes: tikki masala and chocolate pudding from scratch. I painted on a big canvas for the first time. Writing about things I cared about made me eager to write more.
There’s a lot of trust here.
Trust that the Lord will continue to show me truth.
Trust that the manna won’t run out.
Trust that the Lord is generous and good and kind.
But trusting in the Lord is ALWAYS worth it.
It make look foolish to trust in the Lord. It may look foolish to pursue creativity wherever I find it. It may look foolish to give things away, trusting the Lord to fill me up. But I won’t be put to shame. I won’t be put to shame when I feed the parts of me that God intended to come alive. Life begets life. Creativity begets creativity. And even if the manna runs out, the Lord will provide the fruit of the land.
He is my provider. I don’t have to be afraid.
Speaking of creativity, we just the year mark for this little blog. Whether you’ve been here the whole time or just arrived, thank you for reading and being part of what the Lord is doing through my writing. I can hardly believe that a year has passed, a year filled with doubts and fears about creativity running out, but also a year of trusting that there would be enough. I’m preaching to myself today, with the reminder of the Lord’s faithfulness in the form of a blog birthday.