for the days that church isn’t what my soul needs.

One of the things I work hard to be consistent with is journaling and writing. As a 9 on the Enneagram, it can be hard for me to know what I think or feel (but insanely easy to understand what others are thinking or feeling.) Journaling is one of the disciplines that helps me stay in touch with my own heart. Writing helps me find words for my feelings and thoughts, instead of just adapting someone else’s. It keeps me from being lazy and keeps me accountable to show up to do the hard work of knowing myself.

So it feels funny when this isn’t what I need. It feels hard to walk away from my journal when I know there are thoughts and feelings it could help me uncover. It feels uncomfortable to not do the thing that helps me.

But there are some days when I need a nap more than I need to journal out my prayers and process with the Lord. There are some days when I need to take a walk and move my body more than I need to find words. There are days I need to get lost in a story that makes me feel alive and want to be brave more than I need to write.

For some people that might be easy to own. It might be easy to say that this is okay and do what you need to do! But this feels so hard for me. I love formulas. I love rhythms and knowing what to expect. I love knowing how to help myself when I’m not at my best. And it feels so frustrating for this to always be changing. Some day journaling is exactly what the Lord uses to help me. But some days it would be forced and only me trying to check off a box, instead of listening to my body and doing the thing that would be more helpful.

It may sound like a silly thing to pray about, but I’m trying to ask Jesus what he wants me to do in those moments. Journal? Take a nap? Read a book? I do think he cares about me, my time and the choices I make. I think he can tell me what would be best. And if he doesn’t speak directly (which he rarely does for me), I find he reminds my heart of what has been true in the past or helps me use wisdom to think about what I would choose if I didn’t feel the pressure to follow the rules. He reminds me what his voice sounds like, and it never sounds like pressure or shame.

I think there are a lot of things that feel like journaling for me. Things that are good things. Things that the Lord has used in my life to help my heart get closer to him. Things that sometimes I think it is better not to do in order to be healthy. Things that feel uncomfortable to walk away from because of the pressure to look a certain way.

But so easily I can confuse the pressure to do this because I am supposed to with what would be the healthiest or the best. I can confuse my desire for formulas and checking boxes for the truth that this is what I am called to. It is hard work to ask what Jesus wants me to do. It is hard work to call into question the things I am doing and ask if they are feeding my soul and helping me follow Jesus better.

Going to church is one of the things that I am struggling with a great deal these days. I believe that going to church, serving at church and being part of a church are all good things. And I’m not just saying this. I’ve spent years serving, attending and loving the people of a local church, including this current season. But what if going to church every Sunday isn’t what is what I need in a certain season? What if this good thing might not be the thing I need today? What if following Jesus looks different than I’m told it would? What if it doesn’t always mean showing up for a church service or attending that prayer meeting or being a leader at Awana?

I feel a great deal of pressure from myself and from others to show up on a Sunday morning, to look a certain way, to check that church box. It feels hard for me to say that it might be okay to sleep in and stay home and be with my family instead. Sometimes I just long for permission to stay home because that is everything I know I need. But I feel so ashamed. I’ve spent so much time crying and pressuring myself and wishing that checking the box was the thing that would feed me life, instead of listening to Jesus and my own soul for what he is asking of me.

And just like journaling, sometimes church is the thing that Jesus uses to meet me and feed my soul.

But sometimes it isn’t.

Jesus’ voice never sounds like pressure or shame. His voice is firm and gentle and kind to me. He calls me to repentance but he never shames me or pressures me to follow him. His voice brings freedom and life and helps me dream.

Following Jesus isn’t the checklist that I think I want. Instead, it looks so much more like listening to my own soul and listening to Jesus about what would be best, what would bring life, where he wants me to go. It is rarely comfortable for me. I would much rather follow all the rules and check all the boxes as my way to follow Jesus, instead of constantly asking what I need and what he wants me to do. My heart craves the approval of others. I long for their acceptance of what I am doing and how I am spending my time.

But I’m convinced this is better. I can’t be under the delusion that I am self-sufficient or can save myself if I don’t even know what I need half the time. And I do need Jesus. Desperately. I want the one who made me to tell me what I need. I want the one who is changing my heart to help me know how to function in a new way. I want the one who loves me most to show me how to live. Even if it means I don’t always journal or go to church.

His opinion of me is the only one that counts.